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So  much time has passed since I've last written to you. I didn't mean to make you wait, but I had no choice. I've been so distracted by the beauty surrounding me now. I know you might be wondering what can posses such beauty in here, where all is white and almost shapeless. I'll tell you: everything. Why? Because it's not ugly. The color of the isolated walls, the texture of the bed sheets, which is right at the middle of the spectrum between soft and abrasive, the taste of the pills, not bitter, not sweet, not having any taste when on my tongue, the voice in my head, so faint that is almost indistinguishable, the smell of my own body frozen  in the exact state of degradation that allows it to be right on the line between life and death; everything's so balanced, everything's so neutral. Nothing's bad, repulsive, unpleasant, disgusting, It's all beautiful because it's not ugly. Neutrality, now, in the absence of ugliness, becomes beauty, serving as a substitute to real beauty, which scarce or non available.
Unfortunately, something ripped me out of this comfortable picture and shown me the most hideous thing: my true self. Because, you see, I'm so much different than what I thing I am. I always thought I'm perfect, "flaw" being an abstract notion to me when thinking or talking about myself and all that was hurting me was the environment. I used to blame every one and every thing, but, abandoning myself I realized I only had myself to blame.
Sure, everything is bad...Not completely, but mostly. Still, that doesn't mean everything and everybody' out to get me. I'm the only one out to get me. As a matter of fact, I'm out to get you too. And him, and her...And everybody else... Don't move, I almost got you!
Make a move
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July 7, 2009
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